Power Communication Page 2

  You should dump your girlfriend. vs. Dump your girlfriend because I want to date her.

  When you use the word should in self-talk, you are either thinking too much or not enough. If you say to yourself, "I should have enough money in the bank to pay my bills," you have some research to do. Figure it out. If you say to yourself, "Should I be kissing this girl now?" you are too much in your own head. The answer is YES, so just do it, right now.

  Could is very similar. Let's reuse one of the above examples:

  That could work. vs. That will work.

  Don't be lazy. Do your homework. Know what you are getting into, take action, and figure it out. If you tell me I have two options for saving my own life and either could work, expect me to ask some questions. Demonstrate by word choice that you know what you are talking about and what to do. Be a leader.

  Hope

  One more word to stop using is hope, because it's the battle cry for people who have decided to do nothing. The problem with the word hope is that it becomes an action, the action of sitting on your ass hoping rather than taking another action that does something productive to move you toward your goal. Think of it like this: if two people are faced with a problem, and one person tells you they "hope" things work out and the other tells you his action steps for resolving the problem, which person do you think has a better chance of conquering that problem?

  I hesitate to go from the profound to the profane here, but my grandfather put it best. Grandpa once asked me, "If you hope for something with one hand and shit in the other, which hand will fill first?" This definitely demonstrates the weakness of the word hope.

  Can and May

  Now that we have discussed some of the words you don't want to use, let's look at some words that are acceptable, as long as you understand how to use them. Two examples are can and may. Can is a question of possibility while may is a question of permission. Confusing the two only shows a lack of understanding of the English language. Here is an example:

  "Can I kiss you?" WRONG! I am sure you are physically able to kiss her!

  "May I kiss you?" Partially correct, at least from a viewpoint of proper grammar.

  Do not use these words unnecessarily because doing so shows weakness. In my example above, the phrase "May I kiss you?" is wrong because asking only kills the mood by showing uncertainty. Most failed kisses are from a lack of certainty. If the question "Should I be kissing her right now?" enters your head, the answer is yes. The time is now. Do it before you think and become uncertain.

  One of the biggest mistakes you can make with the word can is to use it to check someone's beliefs about you. Do not ask your friends, "Do you think I can get that job?" It's their belief, which is completely irrelevant. In addition, this is just an attempt to seek validation, which shows self-doubt. The question itself is also flawed. The better question would be "Do you have any advice that will help me during my job interview?" Seek advice, not validation.

  Next, let's consider the following example:

  Can you pass me the potatoes?

  Please pass me the potatoes.

  When you want someone to pass you the potatoes at the dinner table, ask him to pass the potatoes, not if he is able to pass the potatoes. The other thing you will notice is that the first way is a question while the second is a statement. We will discuss later in this book why statements are always better than questions.

  What

  The important thing to understand about the word what is the two primary modes in which it's used. The first mode is clarification. If I make a statement and people cannot understand me, either because they did not hear me clearly or because I used a word they don't understand, they will respond with "What?" The second mode is confusion. If I give instructions using words that people hear and understand the meaning of, but still somehow they cannot comprehend my message, they will also respond with "What?" Never confuse the two situations. Doing so gives away your power, as this example shows:

  A man walks up to an absolutely gorgeous group of women and says, "Would you ladies like to buy me a drink?" One of them responds with "What?" This woman heard exactly what the man said. She is just so blown away by the question that her autopilot response is "What?" If she can get him to repeat himself, she has time to think of a zinger of a response.

  But

  But is a very interesting word. I'm not going to tell you to stop using it, but I am going to show you how to properly use it. The word but is a destroyer. The general structure of any sentence with the word but in it is as follows:

  Statement #1, BUT Statement #2.

  The word but has a basic function, and that is to destroy whatever thought proceeded it. Consider the difference between the following two sentences:

  Gary, you're a cool guy, but I don't want you dating my sister.

  Gary, I don't want you dating my sister, but you are a cool guy.

  Whatever the last thought is will hold the most weight. Both options convey the same information, but the impact on Gary will be different. If you intend to be harsher with him to be sure he gets your point, use the first option. If your intent is to let him down easy, go with the second option. If your sister is turning him down, it may sound more like the following sentence:

  Gary, I'd love to go out with you on Friday, but I have to wash my hair.

  Emphasis - Last Thing Said

  The examples above with but show the concept of the last thing said holding the most emphasis. This is a common rule in rhetoric. When a sentence is put together, the item or thought at the end holds the most importance. Think of it like the conclusion of a story. It's all about the ending. The following example shows how the order of the words affects their meaning:

  Max taught Spanish to the students.

  Max taught the students Spanish.

  The first version is about Max and his students. Spanish becomes a connector merely explaining the relationship. The second version is about Max teaching Spanish. The students are merely the necessary people involved for Max to do so. Now that you understand the structure, let me give you a more relevant example.

  The girl Jake just took out on a date comes home and tells her roommate "I just went horseback riding with Jake." Groovy for Jake; he was more important than the horse. If she says "Jake" and then "horseback riding," you know she had more fun with the horse than she did with Jake (HINT: Ways to spot a gold digger).

  When you speak, be sure to get the order of your thoughts correct. Always arrange them to benefit yourself in terms of your audience, as this example will show:

  Just sign here. I will take care of everything.

  I will take care of everything. Just sign here.

  The first option will get you more signatures. The second option will make more people wonder if you are just saying that to get the deal.

  Sometimes you will use this as a tool of humor and to be playful. Consider the following list of sentences:

  You have beautiful eyes.

  I hate you.

  Pass the guacamole.

  You have perfect hands.

  Now consider how these same statements have been completely changed by the addition of a different ending.

  You have beautiful eyes. Can I hold them?

  I hate you. Let's cuddle.

  Passing me the guacamole would be awesome!

  You have perfect hands for giving me a backrub.

  They now have a totally different meaning. In the example "You have beautiful eyes," we may have added the ending to rescue ourselves from a compliment gone wrong. If you are on a first date with a girl and want to kiss her, you may try doing it by leaning in and telling her she has beautiful eyes. When she realizes that you want to kiss and she is not into the idea, she will pull away, at which point you add the "Can I hold them?" part to the end. She now thinks that you are just being silly.

  In the second example, you may be kidding around with your girlfriend, who just bought you a gift. At first she thinks that you are dis
pleased, and thus it makes the reward even better when you tell her a half-second later that you like it and want to cuddle.

  In the third and fourth examples, we have come up with a playful way to make a request of someone. With the backrub example, if we simply ask for a backrub and get turned down, we look weak. However, if we do it as we did in the fourth example and get turned down, it's no longer rejection. It becomes a joke. The less people see you getting rejected, the more they will feel inclined to go along with your requests. When you master this game, it will appear that everyone goes along with whatever you are suggesting. The more people believe that, the more inclined they will be to simply go along with whatever you are suggesting. This is incredibly powerful.

  Modal Operator Statements

  Like a word or phrase that adds an important twist to the plot of a story, Modal Operator Statements change everything surrounding them. They give ideas context. Some examples are if, yet, and up until now. Here are two examples:

  If I were to tell you I love you, how would you respond?

  Note that I did not actually tell her I love her.

  A certain situation has never happened here, yet.

  What does the yet imply? It opens a world of possibilities. This simple tool allows you to remove the power from statements other people make when you don't agree with them.

  When someone else makes a statement, you have the option of adding if before the statement or yet at the end of the statement to effectively take the power out of the original statement. Optionally, you can use if that were to happen at the end of the statement to create a redirected statement that has less power. Consider the following example:

  Girlfriend: I've never given you a reason to doubt me.

  You: Up until now.

  Consider your opening statement if you were to ask a Fortune 500-type boss for a raise. I have listed four such statements in ascending order of effectiveness.

  Please give me a raise.

  Give me a raise.

  Up until now, I have not received a raise.

  If you gave me a raise, my wife would not mind me putting in additional work hours.

  The first option sounds like you do not deserve it. The second uses no tactics. The third makes a positive assumption. The fourth proposes an option that is a win/win for all. Also take note that please can be added to the base statement give me a raise, but once you deploy tactics, it would be very hard to work a please in. This is because please works only with questions, and we are building statements. We will go into great detail on questions vs. statement later, in part five of this book.

  Presuppositions

  Presuppositions are statements in which some unstated element must be assumed (presupposed) to be true in order for the statement to make sense (to be true or false). Going back to the example above on how to get a raise, the best option is to presuppose a win/win by replacing if with when.

  When you give me a raise, I'll be able to work more hours and have my wife smiling about it.

  The first thing this does is assume that you will get the raise. Then it constructs a win/win. From the company's position, not only will you be working more hours, but your wife will also not be nagging you to get home from the office. In fact, the way you have presented it suggests that even if you want to come home, your wife will encourage you to stay. This is a powerfully confident and persuasive statement.

  When building presuppositions, use suggestions rather than commands. Commands will be stopped by your audience's conscious minds. Suggestions slip straight into the unconscious and do their work quietly. This tactic is among the most powerful verbal kung fu you can use.

  Now some of you will be saying that the statement is made weaker by the fact that this person is mentioning his wife, as if he cannot do whatever he wants. You are completely correct. Getting married is a loss of power. By definition, once you are married, it's team play, and you now make decisions together. Team decisions are a presupposition of marriage. Do you want to get an idea of how powerful the presuppositions of marriage are? Just ask a new bride what her husband just agreed to without his knowledge. I could write a whole book on A Man's Guide to the Presuppositions of Marriage. The only problem is that if men knew what they were in for, they would stop getting married.

  Some more examples of presuppositions are:

  "Of course, I am just one man, and that is just my opinion. Others with less experience are free to think otherwise." - Mark Twain

  Presupposition: Those who think otherwise have less experience.

  I get mad only when you get stupid.

  Presupposition: You are stupid.

  You will know it happened when you hear a sudden loud noise.

  Presupposition: It will happen.

  Either get smart or be quiet.

  Presupposition: You are saying something dumb.

  You will feel a little tickle in your pants when you think of me.

  Presupposition: You will think of me.

  You turn the cutest shade of red when you are embarrassed.

  Presupposition: You are embarrassed right now.

  Stop looking at me that way. You're too young for me.

  Presupposition: You are attracted to me.

  I give this pen only to clients who are ready to sign.

  Presupposition: If you are holding this pen, you are ready to sign.

  The power of the presupposition is the same power that exists in the "don't think of a pink elephant" example. It's very sneaky and just slips in there. Once it's in, it can run amok in people's unconscious mind without them even knowing it.

  Final Thoughts

  Be careful and be easygoing with the information you just read. My goal here is to make you conscious of your word choice, not turn you into a stuttering fool who overthinks every word. Be fully conscious and fully relaxed at the same time. That's how this game is won.

  In conclusion, remember that every time you choose a word, you are shaping your identity. You may be talking about yourself, someone else, or something else, but your word choice ALWAYS reflects the identity you have chosen for yourself. Change your words and change your identity. The result is a powerful shift in the way people respond to you.

  Power Communication Part 2

  Paralinguistics

  Week 2

  When we communicate, there are the words we choose, and there is the way in which we use them. Word choice is called linguistics, which is discussed in part one of this book. The style we communicate the words with is paralinguistics. Think of linguistics as everything that is in the dictionary plus a handful of grammatical rules. Think of paralinguistics as an opera with a symphony orchestra behind it, minus the actual words. Paralanguage modifies the meaning of language and conveys the speaker's emotions.

  In written words, we actually see paralanguage with our eyes. For example, if I print the word important, it tends to trigger a dictionary definition in most people. However, if I use that same word but type it in all big, bold, red capital letters, it will modify the definition for most people to include a "take caution" message of some sort, like that of a warning sign.

  In spoken words, we hear the paralanguage with our ears. The paralanguage of speech includes everything but the words themselves (ignoring body language, which we will talk about in the next part of this book). This is also called the nonsemantic aspect of speech. For example, a voice can be male or female. A person can talk fast or slow. A person who is trying to talk while crying has a certain sound. A confident person has another distinctive sound behind his words. In normal communication, how things are said is about five times as important as what is said. This is why paralinguistics is so important to understand.

  How would you describe your own paralanguage? Does your voice suggest calmness, patience, annoyance, interest, sensitivity, or weakness? How is it perceived by others? The interesting thing about paralanguage is that most people have an easy time reading it from others, but they are almost clueless to the pa
ralanguage they communicate. Do you remember the first time you listened to a recording of your own voice? I'm sure you responded, like everyone else, by saying that it sounded nothing like you. News flash: When you listen to a high-quality recording of yourself, that is exactly what you sound like to everyone else. The really amusing part is that what you think you sound like sounds nothing like you. The reason is that your brain's microphone is mounted to your body's speaker. When someone else hears your voice, their ears pick up vibrations only from the air. When you hear yourself, your ears pick up vibrations from the air, but they also pick up the vibrations from being directly physically attached to the same head. The acoustics are totally different. When you hear a recording of yourself, you experience the acoustics in the way everyone else does.

  Record Yourself

  The first step in gaining control over your paralanguage is to record yourself and listen to it. The number one tool you will use to fix your language, paralanguage, and body language is a video camera. Once you understand the rules of language, paralanguage, and body language, you can become self-correcting with the help of a video camera. Working on your presentation in this way is not easy because you will see the flaws that you did not know you had. If you are reading this, you are probably interested in fixing yourself. That's great news! Now the hard part: get over your childish ego, bring your problems into the light, and deal with them. I didn't say it was easy; I said it was progress.