Power Communication Read online

  Record yourself. Record every situation you possibly can. Athletes do this all the time to discover things they can improve on. Record yourself doing physical activity. If your answer to that is that you do not do physical activity, start five minutes ago and get video of it. Get video of yourself at work giving presentations. Record your phone calls (to keep things legal, tell the person that you are recording for "training purposes"). Get footage of yourself with your kids or nephew, or go visit a friend who has kids and record yourself showing them how to use a yo-yo. If you are single, have your date or girlfriend record you (as part of the date; you're just playing with the camera). If you are by yourself, use a tripod to record yourself rocking out (singing along to your favorite songs) while folding your laundry. Be creative and just do it. Now that we have that covered, let's learn what you are watching for.

  Speed

  In general, the less people believe someone is interested in listening to them, the faster they will talk. If you have ten minutes of stuff to say but believe you can hold your audience's attention for only five minutes, you will want to talk twice as fast as usual. The problem with this idea is that everyone else's unconscious knows this rule. What happens is that the faster you talk, the more people believe that you yourself do not believe what you are saying is valuable. As a result, they tune you out more than they would have if you had just talked more slowly.

  If you naturally tend to talk fast, as is the case with people who think visually, learn to slow it down. Know that by slowing down, you will be more easily understood. If you have a high IQ, be aware of the fact that most people do not think as fast as you and thus cannot listen as fast with comprehension. It's not so much that they are slow as much as it is that you are fast.

  Filler Words

  If a person believes he is going to lose his audience's attention, he does not leave moments of silence in his speech. He thinks that if he leaves a gap of silence, he will lose the attention of whoever he is talking to. On the other hand, people who believe they have captivated their audience's attention will purposely leave breaks with silence to build suspense. Breaks with silence and pauses convey confidence. Generation of constant sound shows a lack of confidence. Remember that a pause for thought is OK. You do not need to say "uh" when you are simply taking a breath as you build your next thought. Pausing to take a breath is a part of normal conversation. Filler words are ANY words or sounds that do not need to be there. Know that if 20% of what is coming out of your mouth is filler words, your message just got much more than 20% weaker. Not only are the filler words wasted space in what you're saying, but they also make the words next to them weaker. The more filler words you use, the less people will value what you say. Popular examples of filler words are uh, um, er, and ah. These are not words! Stop using them. Other good examples are um, OK and know what I mean? added onto the end of statements. Every time someone ends a statement with know what I mean?, I answer "no" and then ask him to explain himself better.

  My all-time most hated filler word is like. I loathe the use of this word. If ever you wanted a word that completely destroys any brilliant articulation, this is the word. It's best to stop using it completely and replace its occasional necessary use with similar to. I have a twenty-year-old friend who loves this word. Every time he uses it with me, I interrupt and tell him that I do not want to know what something is "like" but rather how exactly it is. Slow down your speech and you will notice that filler words disappear.

  Pronunciation

  Knowing the proper pronunciation of words is essential for conversations with intelligent people. Intelligent people will quickly dismiss others as less intelligent when they hear words pronounced incorrectly. It is very true that different countries speak English with slightly different stylistic modifications from the British original, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about people who have no idea what the pronunciation key in a dictionary is. I blame political correctness for letting this one happen. We've been taught that if people sound like morons, it would be rude to tell them. Not telling people only perpetuates the problem. Most who mispronounce words do not even know they are doing it.

  If you are a professional new to an industry, be sure you know the proper pronunciation of the industry's jargon. Screwing this up is like holding a sign in all your meetings that says, "I don't know what I'm talking about."

  The solution can be found at most online dictionaries that have sound clips of the proper pronunciation for any given word.

  Emphasis

  Part of proper word pronunciation depends on what syllAble you put your emPHAsis on. The pronunciation key in a dictionary can tell you what part of a word gets emphasized. The next thing to understand is how emphasizing a particular word in a sentence changes the meaning of that sentence. Read the following sentence out loud and put emphasis on the bold word as you do.

  How are you feeling today?

  How are you feeling today?

  How are you feeling today?

  How are you feeling today?

  How are you feeling today?

  Can you hear the meaning change slightly? If you ask the above question with emphasis on the you, people will be more inclined to think that you really care about them, or possibly that you are a secretary who asks this question of 400 people a day. If you put the emphasis on the today part, people's unconscious will tend to ask the question, "As opposed to what, yesterday?"

  You can also pay attention to what part of a conversation holds the most weight for someone by where the person puts the most emphasis. I love this game with employees when they are explaining how something went sideways. You can pick up on vocal cues the same way a lie detector works. When they get uncomfortable, uncomfortable = emphasis, and that is the part of the conversation you want to focus on. The emphasis will be on what they are lying about.

  Pitch

  When pitch is adjusted throughout a sentence, it works like emphasis, as in the above example. Let's look at the following interaction:

  Bob: Where do you want to go for lunch?

  Jim: I would like to go to Burger King.

  Because the above is written in plain printed text, you read it as a simple question and statement. Consider for a moment how things change if Jim were to say the "Burger King" part with a slightly higher pitch than the rest of the sentence. Jim's statement becomes more of a question to Bob. It's like saying, "Burger King, if that is OK with you." Raising your pitch at the end of a sentence makes you sound unsure of your statement and turns it into a question.

  When it comes to your default pitch level, practice lowering your pitch without putting too much effort into it. Alpha males tend to have deeper voices.

  Variation

  In the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), there is a scene where Ferris' teacher is taking roll. Ferris is not in class, and the teacher keeps saying, in the most boring monotone voice possible, "Bueller... Bueller... Bueller..." Don't be that guy. No one listens to "that guy" for very long. A good conversationalist, a good storyteller, and a good teacher all have one thing in common. They all know how to hold the audience's attention with variations of their paralanguage. Keep things lively by varying speed, tone, and emotion in your voice as it matches the ideas you are talking about, without overdoing it. There is a happy medium between Ferris Bueller's monotone teacher and a televangelist selling Jesus.

  Projection

  Most of the people who come to me for live training have problems with vocal projection. Vocal projection is not something you are going to learn from reading about it, but I can give you a few good tips to point you in the right direction.

  Your voice starts with your breathing. Most people breathe very shallowly. Watch yourself as you breathe. If your stomach is moving, you are doing it right. If your chest is moving and not your stomach, you are breathing shallowly. You must breathe slowly and deeply, totally filling your lungs with each breath. Practice it now. Breathe in until you cannot take in any m
ore air, and let your stomach fully expand out as you do. Now that you have an idea as to how much air you can take in, release it and inhale again, but don't exaggerate it. Just comfortably fill your lungs, and let your stomach expand out as you do it. Now you have what you need to project your voice.

  The next thing to know is that the sound starts from your diaphragm at the bottom of your lungs, not the back of your throat. With every word you make, push it from deep inside the bottom of your lungs. Screaming will be felt in your head and neck while proper vocal projection is felt more in your chest and lungs.

  Humans have evolved different responses to the two methods of vocalization. When someone screams, humans go on alert and become uncomfortable. When someone speaks loudly in a commanding voice, humans pay attention and become ready to follow instructions. If you want to test this, go to a public place, such as a mall. Stand 20 feet from someone else who knows how to properly project his voice without screaming. Have a conversation, and at some point, without changing actual volume, replace the projection method with screaming and watch the massive difference in the people around you. It will go from paying attention to becoming unsettled. When you have mastered vocal projection, you will be able to have conversations in public from literally 40 feet away without unsettling those around you.

  Posture counts, so stand up straight, hold your head high, and keep shoulders back. The more you crumple up what is used to produce your voice, the weaker it gets. When I talk with people on the phone, I can hear in their voice if they are standing or sitting. If they are standing, I can hear if they are walking, slouching, bending over, or maintaining good posture. If they are sitting, I can hear how good their posture is. The better their posture is and the further their knees are from their shoulders, the less constricted their airflow is and the more powerful they will sound.

  Learn to Sing

  To truly become a master of paralanguage, you must learn how to sing. Remember what I just said about people getting uncomfortable when listening to a recording of their own voice? Well, it's worse when it's a recording of yourself singing. Again, I'm asking you to let go of your ego in the pursuit of excellence for yourself.

  What most people don't understand about singing is that the words are only a conduit, a way to express the emotions the singer is feeling in that moment. Most people who try singing for the first time in public are very nervous. That is the emotion they feel, and that is the emotion that gets pushed out. The result is horrible singing. The secret to learning how to sing is to simply get over your ego and practice letting your emotions loose through the words. When interviewing singing teachers, tell them your goal is to learn to sing with passion and emotion. You will know you've got it when it feels good.

  That sums up paralinguistics. Start by reviewing recordings of yourself and use the information you just read to self-correct. Master your paralanguage by learning to sing in public. Always sound like you have just as much right to talk and be heard as anyone else, because you do.

  Power Communication Part 3

  The Art of Physical Space

  Week 3

  When you walk into a room, you speak before you say your first word. Whether it be confidence or self-doubt you hold, it's instantly on display as shown by how you take up physical space. You can read a hundred books on body language, yet somehow the true self always shines though. If you succeed at stopping one nervous mannerism, your body betrays you as it finds a new way to display your discomfort.

  You are about to learn the art of physical space. Your journey begins inside of yourself, where we will change the way you look at the physical world around you. Changing how you feel about your surroundings, and then letting your true self shine though, is the only path to rock-solid poise. You will then understand that how you hold your body and what you do with the physical objects around you are all determined by what's going on inside your head.

  Just how important are these spatial games we play in society? Mehrabian's Rule tells us that 55% of our communication is how we take up physical space (body language), 38% is how we say things (paralinguistic), and only 7% is what we say (linguistic). So you can look at it like this: if you've mastered parts one and two of this book but don't master this third part, you're not going to get very far. It's time to add a third dimension to your communication arsenal.

  Environment

  Powerful body language is about being comfortable in any environment you choose to enter or happen to find yourself in. It says that I've been here before, I know what to do, and everything will be alright. For a moment, I want you to consider the concept of "environment" from a scientific point of view rather than a social one:

  We know from physics that it is impossible for two objects to occupy the same space at the same time. We also know from physics that by definition, the space around any object is its environment. If two objects are next to each other, each is still in its own environment, physically speaking. It is impossible for one object to be in another object's environment without it being in its own environment at the same time. Two objects in the same environment share that environment.

  For some reason we lose sight of this concept when we stop talking about objects and start talking about people. Wherever you are is your environment. Wherever other people are is their environment. Their environment and your environment are the same environment when you are in proximity with them.

  You can directly, physically affect things only in your environment. You cannot directly, physically affect things that are not in your environment. So any place where you can directly, physically affect things is your own personal environment.

  If I enter your house at your invitation for dinner and sit at your table, most people would say that I am in your environment; but if I tip my glass over and spill the wine on your table, what does that say? I have directly, physically affected something (my glass), so I must be in my environment to do such a task. Look further at the statement "tip my glass over and spill the wine on your table," and you will realize something else somewhat amusing. This statement is made in the most common way that most people would say it. There exist three items: a table, wine, and a glass. Next let's look at the implied ownership as stated, remembering that all of the items actually belong to you. The phrase "your table" indicates that it is yours. Next is "the wine," implying that it is not yours but open to anyone, which is interesting because you bought it. Last, and most amusing, is "my glass," which indicates that it is mine, despite the fact that you bought it and it is in your house. True, you gave it to me to use when you set it inside my "personal space," which in itself is a very interesting concept because my personal space is currently at your table.

  The point of this discussion is to show you that the concept of "environment" as we use it socially is a huge, confusing gray area, open to social interpretation.

  There are two women sitting at a table in a bar. One of them gets up to go to the bathroom. Just as she does, a man walks into the bar. The man sits in the empty seat. The woman at the table explains that he can't sit there because it's her friend's seat. The man explains that the seat belongs to the bar and not her friend, and furthermore, he is quite capable of sitting there, proven by the fact that he is. The woman tells him to take a hike and that her friend is going to be upset if she comes back and sees him in her seat. The man explains to her that as soon as his sister gets out of the bathroom, she will be happy to see him. This is the first time the woman has met her friend's brother.

  Is the woman in the bathroom her friend or his sister? Who's the actual owner of the seat? Every story has at least two sides. Reality is a gray area. The reality of any environment is open to interpretation, followed by conquest. The strongest reality always wins.

  So why is this concept so important to understand? Because the idea of being in someone else's environment is nothing more than a decision to yield power to the other people sharing the environment with you. The idea is that you move freely through your en
vironment, which is anywhere you find yourself, and which can also be someone else's environment. It's never a matter of invading the enemy's environment. It's more like marking your environment, which is wherever you find yourself, and then deciding how you want to share that environment with others. Truly understanding the implications of this at an unconscious level will completely change your reality and your entire life. For those who understand, no further explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no other explanation is possible.

  Respect

  One of the more interesting parts of my job isn't giving powerful psychological tools to guys, but rather teaching them how to use these tools properly. Sometimes I feel like I am giving atomic weapons to children. For those who truly understand what I have just given you, we need to talk about respect for a moment. I have just given you a Swiss Army knife. You will spend the next few years figuring out everything you can do with it. I just need to be sure you don't do anything dumb like cut off your own finger or take apart my television while I'm not looking.